Oh how do we feel, AFTER the fact?

You know I believe that I belong to an special club one of those secret clubs that no one knows about and is dying to know what the price of admission is, unfortuatly for myself and my husband it was our sons life, We belong to the parents of bullycide group, now Dont get me wrong, I love every grandparent,parent brother,sister,niece,nephew and cousin, I love had the honor of meeting, I feel the anger the pain the couldve shoulda wouldve, I know the WHY didnt you tell me,I wouldve protected you, or WHY did you put your arms around me and say I love you mom you know that right? When ever Christian did this usually he wanted to go to game stop his FAVE place......but this day was different, He said No Momma I just want to know YOU know I love you,you do right I do love you your the best mom! I was like Ok yes I do and I will always....a little later unbenounced to Faith, He said to her Sissy you know I love NEVER let anyone tell you different, I love you your my little sissy,(she was 10 on the day he died she cried to me and mamma I didnt know I really didnt Im sorry..) Whats to forgive? she was 10 she couldnt have know, Later that day He went into Hunters room, the very child he was a mini dad too, he loved him he spent times playing video games with protecting due to Hunters disabilities but he loved his brother fiercly, it is hot We have been having a good time Christrian down didnt feel good......I come in it was hot I wanted to cool down and Wish Andy a Happy Memorial day, a few minutes later, I hear Kev yell I dont know how long hes been there and just off my bed slam down my laptop and go I take Kendra's fone and I scream several times just get a f'n ambulance all the while I am dialing my husband's number in korea which is 14 hours ahead of me, that Christian had hung himself, come home come home I cant do this alone.....next thing I know is Im at the hospital and this man started talking and I am aigtated, I knew how could I not know? I was like JUST TELL ME....and there they were the words no mother father or parent ever wanted to hear, He didnt make it.....I screamed I cussed I yelled I wanted to kick someones butt the person who took MY SON, ONE of the LOVES of MY LIFE AWAY! And in thus,is how I became to be in this club, my nightmarish life became to be on 31May10 330pm I will write more later....